You’re jaded                                      12/20/2024

I’m not

That’s why you always come around

And talk

Little lies you whisper to me

Until they unfold and all you see is the pity I have left to give such a soul so sad

You thought I’m what you had

I’m shy kind and like to people please so you thought you could take advantage of me

But here’s the kicker is when you see

That everywhere you go behind you, you leave

The same trace of wreckage but other people won’t treat you so kind as I did

Other people won’t give you the chances I did

And I pity you for the fate that you may never change 

I pity you for the beliefs you have and the street that raised you so bad

I pity you for those bright blue eyes that can stare into mine with so much love

but turn around in a few hours and leave me feeling numb  

I pity you for this new page that I've decided to turn 

because my blessings only come in your absence and for you, you're out of luck

 

Week 3

Little Rock Arkansas walking down the street

He said hey girl you’re not depressed that’s just what they told you so that’s what you think

Sadness is a state of mind

You can chose to live free

Little Rock Arkansas walking down the street

Said where I come from isn’t where I’m going

Set new energy in motion

Spread positivity

 

 

Space runs through block and he stops in front of me

He said hey girl you’re not alone

Come and hang with me

I’ll buy you some liquor for a night

If you wake up and change in the morning

Just one night of fun and I’ll put bands in your pocket soon

When’s soon?

Soon is whenever I say it is and here’s the truth is it’s never coming

Stringing you along

I play you for the fool

You don’t know what’s up so you stopped in front of me

I found you in a little town right outside LA

I’ll take you to the heart of Hollywood if you give yourself to me

Give yourself to me

Listen to me

Follow me

And I’ll show you the streets

I’ll show you what life means

 

 

Big bob the builder walking down the street

I didn’t know what to do when he stopped in front of me

I told him stay away

I’m not looking for your trouble today

I said stick to yourself

And you didn’t

Oh no baby did I hurt you

Well stop trying to hurt me

 

Week 8

Little baby blue eyes

Walked into the house under a disguise

Seemed so sweet

But it was all a mask to hide what nothingness he had to give inside

I gave you something

Shouldn’t have expected anything back

Maybe then I wouldn’t be disappointed when I look back

I was afraid to hurt you when I first looked into those eyes

But with a knife you stabbed my throat

And told me scream

No one will here a sound

3/27/2024

It feels everything I do is in spite of you

All the ways you used to make me feel I belonged to you

In the space between us I feel free

All of the pain has dissipated in the space between you and I

I’ve found my way home down in the west coast where I find silence and serenity

I find peace in my longevity

And freedom in knowing I won’t die young from the ways I was living with you

In this space I’ve had freedom to regain everything I lost

In this distance, I love you from afar. So you can no longer take from me what was never yours. All I have now is my mind and body, which I no longer trade for a chance to be with you. I’m living on my own again, in the heart of LA, and here I feel true love. Love for myself, which was bound by your thoughts in the past. I still resent you truly but that’s on me. I work on myself daily to prove you wrong. One day I’ll prove to myself that I belong and I won’t need you to patch up my wounds with your lies. All the ways you dragged me down. I lost everything to gain it back. To restart and be free from the bondage of you. I feel excited to start something new. I have just enough courage and faith that my higher power is all it takes to move mountains. The mountains I face, have a rough climate. The thoughts you planted in my mind that I’ll never be good enough. The voice that tells me I’ll never make it. The sound that comes from an ocean wave is the new record that I play and I feel more joy than I could ever imagine I would, down here on the west coast. Spread your poison where you may, but I’ll no longer be the punching bag.

My world doesn’t have to go perfect for me to love it and love other people. How I treat people actually has very little to do with what’s happening to me and much to do with how I feel about myself. If I am kind and loving to myself I will be kind and loving to others. “Guard your heart for everything you do flows from it.” I can’t pour out love and compassion from a cold and hard heart. I have to open my mind to the positivity in the word in order to attract more positive experiences.

For myself, I know I have a long way to go before I’m done growing up. In fact, I hope I stay growing up my entire life. I hope to never reach the age where I’m set in my ways and refuse to change. I want to be the person I needed as a child, but didn't have.

Was lost and afraid

but I put on a good face

learned how to speak up but now they say I'm too much, 

then go find less

don't need your approval to find success 

Was lost and afraid

but God whispered to me

darling don't fear a thing 

and I gave just enough faith that I could change 

and I have

Was lost and afraid

depended on so many people and things

to be okay 

but now I trust that I have all I need within myself

Silver tongue devil rode down my street

Stopped at my house and he stayed with me

But once it was over he didn’t wanna leave

And now we’re back in Tahoe trapped along the beach

Vans in the snowy sand

Heading towards defeat

I let go of all I knew along that beach when I was 16

I let go of my sense of self as I surrendered to my disease

I said it’s not worth it living if I have to live asleep

Walking through each day with pills sedating me

When that was not enough I became addicted to other things

Addicted to alcohol, drugs, money, and risk taking.

I’m addicted to that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you ride a roller coaster, as it begins to glide through a loop and takes you upside down.

My whole life has been a roller coaster and it seems the only peaceful times I’ve had are fleeting

9/15/24


oh how I wait for the California sun to rise         

anticipating the bright orange, pink, yellow, and red

colors to light up the sky as they did back home

but there's nothing like an Arizona sunrise 

it's overcast and chilly here

but there's so much life and opportunity in this very

cloudy city

I'm surrounded by green trees  

the purple petaled flowers are blooming atop the leaves 

what a gift it is to breathe 

to take a moment to smell the flowers

and know what it means to be mindful, 

to be mindful is to be free

it's to be here in the now 

the purple petaled flowers are blooming on the trees 

I'm unafraid of what's to come

just grateful for what is

I'm healing from those who hurt me

and letting go of the need to escape

I won't let trauma define me

or allow the emotional poison to spread

today I choose peace 

that means not taking on the burden of people pleasing

that means loving myself

that means not needing to impress anyone

that means speaking love and kindness to everybody

that means enjoying the pretty purple petaled flowers

blooming on the trees

October 19, 2024

If any human being was ever gifted with seeing what is to come from an ungrateful, hateful heart then they should know

What you’re like

And what is bound to come of every marriage and season in your future

Every lesson is a verse

Can’t comprehend you're insidious curse